8 February 2000 - TV ANNOUNCER
I've got a new job as a continuity announcer for a popular national television network. Unfortunately, I hadn't realised quite what a high pressured job it would be. For a start, my bosses won't even give me a programme schedule, so I have to guess what the next show will be.
I have suggested that I read from a copy of the TV Times, but I was just told: "This is the way it has always been done and always will be done." Fair enough, so long as they don't blame me the next time I introduce Kilroy as Can't Cook Won't Cook.
9 February 2000 - TV ANNOUNCER
Being a continuity announcer for a popular national TV network is an eye-opening experience. You'd have thought that us continuity announcers were treated well and had plush booths from which to make our announcements. Not so.
They make me sit in a corner of reception with a towel over my head. I don't even have a chair or desk - I have to crouch down with my notes on my knee. Last night I was trying to introduce Watchdog Healthcheck when an audience member from The Generation Game lifted my towel and looked at me.
10 February 2000 - TV ANNOUNCER
Being a continuity announcer for a popular national TV network is a lot of hard work, but at least my bosses have conceded to my demands and given me my own office. Unfortunately, the office is in a small box underneath Anne Robinson's desk.
This wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that Robinson bites her fingernails and flicks the bitings on to me. I've asked her to stop, but she just winks at me as if I'm party to some big secret. Hardly. Everyone at the BBC knows she's a biter. Just ask Alice Beer.
12 February 2000 - TV ANNOUNCER
It gets very boring being a continuity announcer for a national television network, so I occasionally try to spice things up a little bit. Unfortunately, I'm employed by squares, who have threatened me with the sack if I ever attempt another rap on Robert Kilroy-Silk. Here's the full offending rap:
"Kilroy-Silk is in the house,
Helping folk like a man not a mouse,
He sort out issues,
Like a box of tissues,
He's got orange skin,
And he prays to Vishnu."
14 February 2000 - TV ANNOUNCER
I may have to leave my job as continuity announcer for a national television network, due to the fact that I accidentally took my microphone into the bar with me last night, and broadcast my entire evening to the nation.
This may not have been an issue had I kept the conversation mundane, but I spent half an hour ranting about old people, and then I got into a fight with a couple of chemists, and then I went back to the woman's flat where I was sick in her bathroom. If only I'd kept the microphone switched off!