The Digitiser Christmas Pant-oh

1994 - Jack And The Bena-Mo

CAST IN ORDER OF PRIDE

Jack Euton - a male human child
Jack's Mother - a sassy communist
YR Drines - a cow seller
Trunces Jr - a cow
Greg Bench - a giant


It is August, 1066 BC. Doctor Who has already saved the town from those big pigs - those real porky squealers.

Our attention is drawn to a stinking boy, Jack Euton, and his massive mother, Harpo Marx. The pair are searching their cupboard for tiny flies to suck on gently.

Outside, a banshee is killed during an argument with cow seller YR Drines, over a beard barrel.

SCENE 1 - JACK'S HOUSE

(Mother scans the walls for signs of life. Jack looks on, flabby-faced.)

Mother: Hello, what's this? A tiny monkey's head! I'll have that.

Jack: The head is mine. Daddy gave it to me as he died.

Mother: Grrrr. Go out and swap cow for bean. Do this once - twice! Then do it again - before we all die.


SCENE 2 - OUTSIDE JACK'S HOUSE

(Jack is scoping the cows out.)

Jack: Which cow to swap?

Trunces: Swap me - I'm dying of thirst!

Trunces Jr: Or me. I've huge udders.

(Trunces Jr wobbles his udders.)

Jack: I will swap Trunces Jr.


SCENE 3 - THE ROAD TO THE MARKET

(Jack drags Trunces Jr along the road, until he is stopped by YR Drines.)

Drines: Sell cow or swap cow for bean?

Jack: Swap cow for bean.

Drines: Here is bean.

Trunces Jr: I'm gonna do a blow-off.

Drines: I shall enjoy this!


SCENE 4 - OUTSIDE JACK'S HOUSE

(Jack has planted the bean, and it has grown into a bena-mo.)

Mother: Look - a benana-mon.

Jack: No, mother - a bena-mo. I'm gonna climb up it!

Mother (crashing her fist down onto an anchor, and laughing): Smash! I hope you fall off. Hee-haw. Hee-haw.


SCENE 5 - AT THE TOP OF THE BENA-MO

(Jack stands proud before a big tent. A giant, Greg Bench, comes out of it.)

Jack: You're the biggest man around.

Bench: Am I really? But am I bigger than the biggest rail?

Jack: I'd like to think so!

Bench: Here - wear my trousers.


SCENE 6 - IN BENCH'S TENT

(Jack and the giant are laying down inside a big cardboard pipe.)

Jack: Why are we in here? It's stupid.

Bench: I want you to meet my doctor. His name is Jenson 5.

Jenson 5: Here I am. I'm gonna fix you up good. Like last time.

Jack: I'm not sure about Jenson 5.


SCENE 7 - OUTSIDE THE TENT

(Jack is running away from Jenson 5, who is waving a steel ring at him.)

Jenson 5: Jack - I want you to look at this. It's a ring, but it's beefed-up.

Jack: You only want to use it to squash me up real good.

Jenson 5: I'm probably your father.

Jack: You, Jenson 5, are evil.


SCENE 8 - JACK'S HOUSE

(Mother is eating a mollusc. Sauce drips from her greasy maw.)

Mother: Hello, Jack. I hear you met Jenson 5 - your father.

Jack: He really was my father...

Mother: Merry Christmas, Jack!

Jack: I must sing now. Here I go...:

(Jack climbs upon a giant rook, and begins to sing this:)

Christmas is a lovely day,
It's funny and it makes me say:
"Hello, Santa, hello, mum -
Drink more lager - drink, you scum!"

Christmas time is good for laughs,
Like shoving falcons into baths,
And forcing snow down raven beaks,
That would be great, wouldn't it?

THE END


More pant-ohs to read with your eyes: here

1993 - CHINDERELLA

1995 - DAVID BELT AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

1997 - BABES IN THE WOOD

1998 - HONEY I SHRUNK THE DWARVES

1999 - SNOW BROWN & THE SEVEN SPORKS

2000 - THE WIZARD OF OZ: PART 2

2014 - DAVID BELT & THE BEANSTALK: PART ONE, PART TWO (DIGITISER 2000)

2015 - CHANDERELLA (DIGITISER 2000)

2016 - HALLOWEEN PANT-OH: THE WOMAN IN BROWN (DIGITISER 2000)

2017 - THE WIZARD OF OZ (DIGITISER 2000)

2018 - FARTING (SLEEPING) BEAUTY (DIGITISER 2000)

2020 - DIGITISER'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL


Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.

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