Digitiser Pant-oh Archive

Traditional Christmas Funnees

2020 - A Christmas Carol

DIGITISER'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL

NARRATOR

Once upon a time in Victorian London, there was a man called Ebeneezer Scrooge. He was the meanest man in all of London, whose miserly ways were famed throughout the city.

Scrooge hated spending money. He hated kindness, and generosity, and foreigners, but most of all he hated Christmas. He hated Christmas so much, that all through December he would stew and seethe until his Chron’s disease flared up. He would of course blame this on Christmas.

We join Scrooge now on Christmas Eve, as he and his long-suffering employee, Bob Cat-Shit, work hard at whatever job it is that they do…

INT. SCROOGE’S OFFICE

FX: A bitter wind howls against thin window panes. Wooden beams creak against the onslaught of winter. A typewriter clacks and clatters – and then stops abruptly.

SCROOGE

What’s going on, Cat-shit? Why have you stopped work?

BOB

I’m just so cold, Mr Scrooge. I can no longer feel my fingers, and I keep freezing to death. Can we please put the heating on?

SCROOGE

I’ll put the heating on alright. I’ll put the heating right on top of your stupid, lazy, head! And then I’ll punch you in the mouth and neck! Wap-wha-whap!

BOB

That’s an awful thing to say.

SCROOGE

There’s worse where that came from.

BOB

Yeah, like what?

FX: The door opens, and FROD enters.

SCROOGE

Go away, whoever you are! We’re closed for Christmas.

FROD

Yeah! Wooh! Get on down! Trappa-trap-trap!

FX: Dancing on a wooden floor.

FROD:

Get out, you jolly prancing fool! We’re not open!

BOB

Why, that’s not a customer or a prancing fool, Mr Scrooge – it’s your nephew Frod, the jolliest fellow in all of Victorian London! Wow, he’s such a trendy sod! See how he spins and whirls like some radical wisp!

FROD

That’s right, Bob Cat-Shit. I am Frod Scrooge. A Merry Christmas to you! And a very Merry Christmas to you, Uncle Ebeneezer Scrooge! Yeah!

SCROOGE

What do you want, nephew? I’m busy doing whatever sort of work it is that I do. That’s right. I’m working over Christmas. I’m not even going to watch Christmas telly, not just because it hasn’t been invented yet, but also because I hate it. I hate it so much it makes me do this:

FX: Scuttling sound.

FROD

I can see that your eyes have rolled right back in their sockets, and you’re scuttling back and forth like a crab, while huffing and puffing like a silly chimney.

BOB

Have you brought us something warm, Frod? I’m so cold that my eyelids have frozen shut. I can’t even do a saucy wink!

FROD

Goodness. Poor Frod. What sort of shop are you running here, uncle?

EBENEEZER

It’s not a shop, nephew. It’s another sort of business – an unspecified one.

FROD

Well, I’m afraid I’m not here to offer warmth to you, Bob. I’m here to invite my uncle for Christmas dinner. We’re having a featherless bird and some monkey food. You know: seeds!

SCROOGE

Go away, Frod. I hate Christmas, and I hate you.

FROD

Well, that isn’t very Christmassy, uncle. In fact I’d go so far as to say you’re a proper Scrooge!

SCROOGE

At least I’m not a proper Charlie – and that’s what you are!

FROD

Gasp!

SCROOGE

Now get out of my place of whatever business this is!

FROD

Fine then. I’m going, Uncle Scrooge – but I hope for your sake you’re not visited by any ghosts tonight!

SCROOGE

What a stupid thing to say. You’re an idiot, Frod. You’re England’s biggest idiot.

FROD

Well, anyway, goodbye.

FX: Frod leaves.

SCROOGE

God, I hate him.

BOB

Excuse me, Mr Scrooge…?

SCROOGE

What the hell do you want now?

BOB

I wondered if you’d had time to think about the Christmas bonus I’d requested? Only, I’ve promised my son, Puny Percy, a Realistic Rubber Whimsy for Christmas. They’re Victorian London’s most popular toy.

SCROOGE

I’m not giving you a bonus, you wretched little pleb. Not when you keep freezing to death on the job, whatever that job may be! Now get out before I throw you out.

FX: Scrooge punches Bob in the stomach.

BOB

Yes, Mr Scrooge. I’m sorry. Merry Christmas. And… and… I love you.

SCROOGE

Piss off. And take your presumably frozen penis and ballbag with you!

FX: Bob leaves.

INT. SCROOGE’S BEDROOM

SCROOGE

Time for a good old Christmas Eve sleep, but first I shall read aloud from the latest chapter of my forthcoming novel: The Erotic Adventures of Ken.

FX: Scrooge clears his throat.

SCROOGE

“Once upon a time, Ken had an erotic adventure. He unzipped his trousers, and pulled them down, further than any pair of trousers had ever been pulled down before – “

FX: Spectral sound.

MARLEY

Whooooo! Wheeee-wooooah! Eezer dude, Eezer dude… he’s Ebeneezer Scrooge.

SCROOGE

Wha-wha… whassa? NO! It cannot be! A g-g-g-ghost!

MARLEY

Yes, Ebeneezer – it is I, your old business partner Jacob “Bob” Marley.

SCROOGE

Oh, it’s just you Marley. I thought for a second there that you were a ghost. What are you doing here in my bedroom? I thought you died.

MARLEY

I did die, but now I’m back – back from the dead!

SCROOGE

How is any of this remotely possible?

MARLEY

Listen up good, man. Remember when those orphans asked if we’d give a donation to their orphanage, and you took their collection tin and fed it to a horsey?

SCROOGE

Yeah, that was really funny.

MARLEY

And then you pushed one of them onto the ground, and then kept pushing him along the ground by his feet, and you pushed him off the kerb and into the road, and a different horse trod on his face, and made it smart?

SCROOGE

That was even funnier.

MARLEY

Not so funny now. Because of those activities I’ve been punished, and forced to roam the earth for all eternity, wearing these heavy-looking chains.

SCROOGE

You mean those chains aren’t because you’re a rapper now?

MARLEY

That’s a real good joke. Very good, very modern. But no – these chains are my punishment for living a life of selfishness and greed, and unless you change your ways, you will suffer the same fate – but worse!

SCROOGE

What can be worse than wearing some chains for all of eternity?

MARLEY

Biting into an apple and finding half a worm! LOL.

SCROOGE

FYI, I like being a cruel and uncompromising miser. An uncompromiser. Nothing can convince me to change my ways.

MARLEY

Not even a visit from one… three…. three ghosts?!

SCROOGE

Ghosts don’t exist, Marley. Everyone who has seen Scooby Doo knows that.

MARLEY

Then how do you explain… this!?

FX: Ghost noises

SCROOGE

Whaaaa…?! Marley keeps walking through the wall and back again… there he goes again… and again… to and fro… why, these are the sort of wacky actions only a ghost could perform. Perhaps there is something in what Marley says. Perhaps I will be visited by one… three… three whole ghosts.

MARLEY

No perhaps about it, Ebeneezer – here comes the first ghost now.

FX: A ghost appears.

FIRST GHOST

Yo yo yo. Whaddap, everyone? I’m The Ghost of Christmas Past.

SCROOGE

Crikey. That’s the scariest entity I ever did see!

FIRST GHOST

I’m the non-corporeal manifestation of Christmasses past, and I’m here to show you just how much you used to love Christmas!

SCROOGE

I never loved Christmas.

FIRST GHOST

You’ll be the judge of that! Engaging time travel!

FX: Time travel

INT. YOUNG SCROOGE’S HOME

FIRST GHOST

Behold, Ebeenzer – a Christmas past. Recognise the wallpaper?

SCROOGE

I do! I do recognise that! Somehow we’re in my childhood home – and look: there I am!

MARLEY

It’s the young you, and you’re rolling around on the floor, giggling!

YOUNG SCROOGE

Whee! I’m the Young Ebeneezer Scrooge, from the past, and I simply love Christmas!

MARLEY

See, Ebeneezer? You did love Christmas!

SCROOGE

I didn’t! This must be some sort of trick!

FIRST GHOST

It’s not a trick, Scrooge. Look at the big smile on your young face.

SCROOGE

That’s a grimace.

MARLEY

Nah Looks more like a smile.

SCROOGE

Definitely a grimace. He’s grimacing at the thought of Christmas.

FX: Young Scrooge giggles.

YOUNG SCROOGE

I’m so happy, I can’t stop laughing about Christmas! Whee!

SCROOGE

He isn’t… he’s… he’s… stop laughing! Shut up, boy!

YOUNG SCROOGE

Who are you?!

SCROOGE

I’m your future self, and I demand that you stop laughing about Christmas, and rolling around on the floor like that!

FX: A beating sound.

SCROOGE

Stop laughing!

YOUNG SCROOGE

You’re hurting me! Stop stamping on me! I’m dying!

SCROOGE

Stop! Laugh! Ing!

FX: Young Scrooge dies.

MARLEY

Jesus Christ, Ebeneezer! You’ve stomped your younger self to death.

FIRST GHOST

You bloody idiot, Scrooge – you’ve done a time murder!

SCROOGE

Oh god. What do we do?

FIRST GHOST

Look, I wasn’t here alright?

MARLEY

You brought us back in time! This is all your fault!

FX: Door opening, and Mrs Scrooge enters.

MRS SCROOGE

Oh my god. Ebeneezer? You’ve been flattened into a bloody pulp.

SCROOGE

Good lord! That’s my mum, when she was still alive!

MRS SCROOGE

Ebeneezer? Oh, my sweet Ebeneezer! What’s happened? He’s not breathing! Who are you people? Why have you done this to my son?

SCROOGE

Mum, it’s me. I am your son, from the future. It’s okay! I’m still alive.

MRS SCROOGE

What are you talking about? You’re an old man, with blood on his fists and feet. Did you kill my boy?

SCROOGE

It was an accident! I just got over-excited.

MARLEY

Well, this is totally awkward, dudes!

FIRST GHOST

Anyway, I’m gonna go now.

SCROOGE

Wait! You have to fix this!

FIRST GHOST

No, I’m just going to go.

MRS SCROOGE

Help! Help! Somebody help!

FX: An impact

SCROOGE

Jesus, Marley. You just pushed my into the wall, killing her immediately, you silly ghost.

MARLEY

I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to shush her.

FIRST GHOST

I ain’t gonna go down for this. I had nothing to do with it. I’m outta here.

FX: Another impact

MARLEY

Good going, Ebeneezer. You just killed the Ghost of Christmas Past!

SCROOGE

She was going to grass us up. What are we going to do, Marley?

FX: Police siren

SCROOGE

Shit. It’s the filth. They must have heard all of our killing blows. We need to hide these bodies.

MARLEY

Let’s take them back to the future with us. I’ve got an idea.

FX: Time travel

EXT. STEAMPUNK LONDON

MARLEY

We made it. We’ve arrived back in the future.

SCROOGE

Wait a minute. This isn’t Victorian London. There are blimps, and buildings fifty storeys high! Something must’ve gone wrong when we travelled through the space-time continuum.

MARLEY

Killing your mother, a ghost, and your past self, must’ve changed history. Instead of Victorian London as we all think of it, the city has been transformed into a sort of alternate London Steampunk futurescape! That sort of thing.

SCROOGE

Never mind that. What’s this big plan of yours?

MARLEY

Well, I’m going to put the bodies into this sack I’ve found, and throw them in the river.

SCROOGE

We could’ve done that in the past.

MARLEY

Sacks weren’t invented in the past, genius. They’re a new thing.

SCROOGE

I’m not sure about that.

MARLEY

Shut-up, and help me get stuffing.

FX: Corpses being stuffed into sacks.

SCROOGE

Jesus. These corpses reek.

MARLEY

I know they do. That’s why we’re also going to do a poo in the sacks to disguise the smell. I’ll stuff, and you poo. Make sure you do as many poos as you can.

FX: More stuffing. Scrooge does pooing.

SCROOGE

Is that enough?

MARLEY

More!

FX: A robot approaches.

ROBOT

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

SCROOGE

A steam powered Christmas robot! Won’t I ever escape this wretched season?

ROBOT

What are you doing with those two dead bodies, and that double-dead ghost body?

MARLEY

Nothing. They’re not ours.

SCROOGE

Yeah, they were here when we arrived.

MARLEY

We were just going to throw them in the river, like good citizens. You’re not going to tell anyone are you?

ROBOT

Fortunately for you, my honesty circuits are buggered, which prevents me from doing so. However, I feel I should inform you that you won’t be able to throw anything in the River Thames?

SCROOGE

Why not?

ROBOT

In this steampunk version of London, the Thames has been concreted over to make a cool BMX track for Cyber-Queen Victoria.

FX: The robot walks away.

MARLEY

Without a river we’re buggered. These bodies have our fist and footprints all over them.

SCROOGE

Wait. I think I might know a way to get rid of them…

INT. FROD’S HOUSE

FX: The sounds of Christmas merriment. A knocking, and a door opening.

FROD

Uncle Scrooge!

SCROOGE

Hello, my favourite nephew, Frod!

FROD

Who’s that you’ve got with you? Why, he looks just like your dead business partner, Jacob “Bob” Marley.

MARLEY

That’s right. That’s who I am. Turns out there was a bit of a mix-up, and I’m not dead after all.

FROD

What’s with all the chains? Are you a rapper now?

BOB

Mr Scrooge, what are you doing here? And is that… Mr Marley?!?

MARLEY

Bob Cat-Shit! How wonderful to see you again!

SCROOGE

What are you doing here, Cat-shit?

BOB

Frod saw how terribly you treated me in that other timeline, Mr Scrooge, and invited my family and I for Christmas dinner. You remember my son, Puny Percy?

PERCY

Merry Christmas, Mr Scrooge. Merry Christmas, Mr Marley.

SCROOGE

And a very merry Christmas to you too, young Percy.

FX: A dog barks.

BOB

You still have the dog, then?

FROD

Yes, Pudsey the Dog has been with us for several years now.

PERCY

Pudsey, show our guests how you dance.

FX: Pudsey barks.

SCROOGE

Can he do any other tricks?

PERCY

Not really.

FROD

Never mind Pudsey - what are you doing both here?

MARLEY

We’ve brought you all a Christmas treat – two sacks filled with 500 pounds of actual turkey meat!

SCROOGE

We butchered the turkeys ourselves.

MARLEY

Yes, that’s how we know that it’s definitely turkey meat

FROD

That’s incredibly generous of you, but I thought you both hated Christmas?

SCROOGE

We had a change of heart, nephew.

MARLEY

Yes, and to ensure you don’t offend us, it’s imperative that you eat all of this turkey meat as quickly as possible.

SCROOGE

Even the bones, hair and clothes.

PERCY

Why does it smell like somebody’s done a poo in the sack?

MARLEY

Never mind that, boy. Just shut-up and eat it.

PERCY

I don’t want to eat it. It stinks.

BOB

Don’t be ungrateful, Percy. Eat the turkey.

PERCY

I’m not even sure it is turkey. There’s a severed human face in here.

BOB

Percy, you’re embarrassing me in front of my bosses, now stop complaining and tuck in.

PERCY

‘Sake.

BOB

What’s that?

PERCY

I didn’t say anything.

FX: Eating sounds.

SCROOGE

That’s it. Keep eating until the entire sack is empty.

MARLEY

We don’t want any leftovers.

FROD

Aren’t you having any?

SCROOGE

Thank you, but no. I ate before I came over.

MARLEY

And I’m nil by mouth.

FX: A knock at the door.

FROD

Who can that be?

FX: Frod answers the door.

FATHER CHRISTMAS

Ho ho ho!

FROD

It’s Father Christmas!

FATHER CHRISTMAS

That’s right. That’s who I am. Hello, everyone. Hello, Frod, Bob Cat-Shit, and Marley and Ebeneezer. And a very special hello to you, Puny Percy.

BOB

We’re just having our Christmas dinner, Father Christmas. Would you like some?

PERCY

By which he means, would you like to eat some human flesh out of a shitty sack?

FATHER CHRISTMAS

Thank you, but no. Unfortunately, I have diabetes, and I only came here to sing you a song about insulin, a hormone produced by the pancreas, which plays a number of important roles in the body’s metabolism.

SCROOGE

Go on then.

FATHER CHRISTMAS

When Christmas comes please be aware,

That blood glucose rates could see a flare,

Control your intake of festive treats,

Please, no chocolate or sugary sweets,

Eat the lightest meat and avoid the leg,

Abstain from alcohol and dry-roast your veg.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

Ho ho! Merry Christmas, everyone!

SCROOGE