Adult Circus
10/8/95-18/8/95
10 August 1995 - ADULT CIRCUS
At my interview for a job with his Adult Circus, Don Sweet made me stand on the table and swear at a picture of a clown.
As far as I can work out, the set-up here is pretty much like a normal circus, but with loads of swearing, and a tent done up to look like a "doughnut".
My jobwill involve coming up with new names for acts, as well as helping out as one of the Rude Clowns.
11 August 1995 - ADULT CIRCUS
My first stint as a Rude Clown ended in tragedy. I had just driven on in a buggy shaped like a vase, when a baby sea-lion burst out of his creche and started towards the audience.
The panic was such that about 100,000 people were sick, with seven more running into the ring and shouting "Sea-lions away - 1,2,3, time to go!"
12 August 1995 - ADULT CIRCUS
I've been trying to make the circus better by devising a brilliant new act: "The Dancing Egg".
Picture this: a spotlight picks out a lone egg resting on a snare drum.
As the music builds, tiny pistons hidden in the drum's skin cause the egg first to shiver, and then, to the gasps of the audience, to shimmy. Eventually, the tottering egg convulses.
14 August 1995 - ADULT CIRCUS
Running a circus is harder than you'd imagine. This morning I went into the lion tamer's caravan, and discovered him forcing salsa into his heart.
Later, I had to deal with a fight between two clowns and a vet.
The vet was trying to neuter the elephants, and had tried to make the clowns smack the elephants' twitching bottoms with a torch.
15 August 1995 - ADULT CIRCUS
I think we're going to have to close the Big Top.
The circus inspectors came round yesterday, and discovered a giant squid in the bearded lady's caravan.
Apparently, she'd had it for over a year, but had never got around to reanimating it. It seems she was hoping it would accompany her as she made the journey to the afterlife.
17 August 1995 - ADULT CIRCUS
The circus inspectors have decided to close the circus down.
Last night they made us tell the audience that we were bad people, and because of the mistakes we could not be trusted to perform in front of families.
As a final defiant act, the bearded lady emptied a wormery onto the heads of the shrieking crowd below.
18 August 1995 - ADULT CIRCUS
After all the work we put into the circus, my fellow performers and I have been turfed out onto the street.
I understand that the strongman has a job lined up as a new sort of James Bond, and the bearded lady plans to spend her time building a statue out of rusting iron lungs.
I have decided to take a short vacation.
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