Squatters
3/8/95-9/8/95
3 August 1995 - SQUATTERS
Right. Well, I got back from the Earth's core, and guess what - squatters have taken over my house.
I've tried to reason with them by offering to put on a variety benefit for them, but they responded by forcing my bathroom scales out of the Chim - the big chimney!
I've spoken to the police, but they just blow-off down the phone at me.
4 August 1995 - SQUATTERS
I'm having more trouble with the squatters, but I've been inspired by ancient legends.
Remember the Trojan horse? Well, I'm building a giant Trojan dimple!
Hopefully, the squatters will be so entranced by the dimple, they'll rush out into the street, allowing me to jump out of the dimple and bust them up with a mortar burst.
5 August 1995 - SQUATTERS
My Trojan dimple plan didn't work. Firstly, instead of the squatters dragging the dimple in through the door, they set it alight, and sent it rolling down the hill.
When it reached the bottom, it crashed through the window of Mr 3D's butcher's shop. Mr 3D thought it was a police raid, and smashed it to pieces with a concrete cylinder.
7 August 1995 - SQUATTERS
I've devised a new plan to evict the squatters.
I'm going to erect a giant film screen around the house, and bombard them with images of frightened animals.
I was up all night shooting the footage. I broke into a farm and, dressed as a Greek god, ran into the stables and banged two pieces of wood together. You should have seen their faces - it was hilarious!
8 August 1995 - SQUATTERS
Nothing I seem to try can shift those squatters.
Yesterday I even went as far as bombarding the house with highly-charged neutron particles in a bid to damage their nervous systems.
Only one of the squatters was affected. He came stumbling through the front door with decals all over his face. One of them read "Big Breeder". I guess that was his dog's name.
9 August 1995 - SQUATTERS
The squatters have finally upped sticks and gone.
The only sign that they were ever here is a foul mural depicting their leader shaking hands with Bertie Bonkers the baby elephant.
I'm trying to get my life back on track. I've got an interview tomorrow for a job as ringmaster at Don Sweet's Adult Circus.
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