The Man With A Long Chin's Diary




15 October 1999 - COBBLER

I've got a new job working as a cobbler. It's quite rewarding work but we've got a bit of a problem with vermin - specifically shoe elves. The little guys come into the shop when we're asleep and start messing about with the stock.

We tried locking the shoes in iron caskets, but the elves picked the lock. We also tried shoe elf traps, which so far have only killed one of the elves - a hideous pink thing, with buck teeth and a curly white beard. We're going to get an exterminator in. His name is Geoff Woburn.

18 October 1999 - COBBLER

We had the exterminator in here last night, trying to get rid of our shoe elf infestation. He found a nest of the vermin behind the water boiler and used a flute to lure them out of hiding. When they emerged, blinking into the bright light of his torch, he ensnared them with a big sack on a stick.

He then took the sack into the shop window and, in full view of the passing public he sat on the sack, stifling the elves with his enormous rump. We ate well that night, as a feast of raw dead elf and roast nutmeg.

19 October 1999 - COBBLER

We thought we'd exterminated all the shoe elves in here, but we came down this morning to find they'd done a conversion job on a pair of pumps. From the shoddy stitching and tiny puddles of sick everywhere, I'd say at least one of the remaining elves is very ill or an alcoholic.

We've bought a robot cat to patrol the shop floor at night looking for shoe elves. The cat is equipped with infra-red eyebeams, tungsten claws, a flamethrower which comes out of his mouth, and a big buzzer on his face.

Diary Index | Previous | Next