The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Ghost Train


22 June 2000 - GHOST TRAIN

I've got a new job running the ghost train at a local fun fair. It's my job to collect the money, and to ensure that the train is the scariest train-based ride in the world! I think I'm doing a good job; the ghost train's owners have already been sued twice for emotional distress.

The incidents in question relate to me setting fire to the front of a carriage, and then tipping it over and through one of the interior walls of the ride. I also gave one visitor a live scorpion with his change, and then threatened to get my brother onto him.

23 June 2000 - GHOST TRAIN

I've introduced some scary new elements into the ghost train I work at. I'm determined to make it the scariest train-based ride in the home counties! Firstly, I've painted a real scary face on the ticket booth. I sanded and varnished the wood of the booth, before applying an acrylic undercoat wash in white.

Then I sketched the face with charcoal, before using a medium fibre brush to apply large blocks of green colour. I then used a finer brush to add detail, and highlights. Also, I scream and throw kettles at the visitors.

26 June 2000 - GHOST TRAIN

Wow! My ghost train is really cooking now that I've introduced some exciting new elements. The front of the ride warns: "DANGER! CONTAINS REAL GHOSTS!". This is, of course, an exaggeration. However, had I written the truth ("DANGER! CONTAINS DRUNK MEXICAN!") people would stay away, rather than be enticed inside.

However, I have discovered that drunk Mexicans have much the same effect on people as ghosts, especially when the Mexicans try to get into the carriages, and kiss them and steal their money, and then get violent.

27 June 2000 - GHOST TRAIN

My ghost train has been forced to close by health and safety inspectors, who decreed the train to be both unsafe, and unhealthy.

They specifically pointed to the raw chicken drumsticks - representing the clammy fingers of death - hanging from the ceiling. And the broken milk bottles - representing a fight with a milkman - jutting out from the walls of the ride.

I tried to protest, but they had already started demolishing the ghost train with sawn-off shotguns.

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