21 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
I've got a new job as a waiter in a posh hotel. It's a nightmare I tells you! The posh idiots in here treat me like dirt, and then think it's funny to tip me in francs.
Some old girl ordered steak the other day, and when I delivered it she insisted I'd accidentally brought out a duck - a living duck! I pointed out the way the brown, meaty steak sort of just lay there on the plate and sizzled, but she said she could see it looking at her and quacking.
25 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
We had the environmental health people in last night. They've drawn up a list of 5,041 breaches of health regulations made by the hotel.
The improvements we must make within the next three days include: remove the broken bidet from the kitchens, brick up the open latrine in the kitchens, stop using the toilets as a larder, remove the rotting bear from the dining area, destroy the bee hive in the oven.
It will cost the hotel £45 billion.
26 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
In an effort to draw more people into the hotel dining area, I've come up with a list of unique special offers.
If guests spend more than fourteen pounds, we present them with a free, damp towel. If they spend more than fifteen pounds, they get two free wet towels, and a dry handkerchief. If they spend more than thirty pounds, I invite them to come and live with me for a year in a big teepee.
We'll be Red Indians!