6 September 2000 - BALLROOM DANCER
I've taken up ballroom dancing, though my local club has already objected to my attempts to shake things up a bit. For starters, they told me I had to have a human dance partner, and that the pelican I brought with me wasn't acceptable.
They refused to change their minds, even when I dressed the pelican in a t-shirt and wizard's hat, and told them that his name was Jupiter 7. However, when the pelican bit the treasurer of the club on the knee I did concede that maybe it was the wrong sort of sea bird to take dancing.
7 September 2000 - BALLROOM DANCER
My constant striving to shake up the world of ballroom dancing continues to be met with a frosty response from the members of my local club.
When I turned up for last night's dance wrapped from head to foot in cling film, and spent the first half an hour writhing on the floor in the corner of the hall, the treasurer of the club told me to go home and stop upsetting the other members.
Also, he called me a "drunken jackass".
8 September 2000 - BALLROOM DANCER
I'm really enjoying ballroom dancing but sometimes I think that the other members of my local club have had a sense of humour failure.
For instance, during last night's dance, I smashed the hall's fusebox to bits with a fire-axe, then started running in and out of the bewildered, blinded dancers wielding a powerful halogen torch.
Not one of them wanted to entertain the prospect that I was merely portraying "The Spirit Of The Blitz".
11 September 2000 - BALLROOM DANCER
I've been thrown out of my local ballroom dancing club for a "gross breach of club rules".
My attempts during last night's dance to get a conga line going was the lowest point in the West Drayton Ballroom Dancing Society's 40 year history, according to the treasurer.
At least that's how I understood it, though with retrospect he may have been referring to the moment when I stripped off and danced around the room with an octopuss carcuss.