24 July 2001 - FLAMENCO DANCER
I've got a new job as a flamenco dancer. Unfortunately, I initially misunderstood the job spec, and turned up at my first rehearsal with a flamingo.
Worse still, I didn't give the choreographer a chance to explain before I started whirling round the room, clutching the long-necked bird by its ankles.
However, I think I whirled for slightly too long, because when I stopped, the flamingo vomited on a mirror. It was then that I realised my error.
25 July 2001 - FLAMENCO DANCER
It's probably just as well that flamenco dancing has nothing to do with flamingos, as my flamingo has died after a particularly harrowing tango.
I now have a human dance partner and her name is Mrs Radish. Unfortunately, Mrs Radish is not a real woman, but an ostrich in a dress, with lipstick covering its beak and neck.
The shortage of real women has led to the dance school buying up a flock of ostriches and keeping them in the dance studio's melon cellar.