The Man With A Long Chin's Diary

 

Giant Salamander

24/6/99-28/6/99

24 June 1999 - GIANT SALAMANDER

I bought myself a new pet the other day - a giant, flying, fire-breathing salamander, who I have named "Borg". He's a lovely giant salamander, but I think Borg might need some training; I took him out for a walk last night, and he got into a fight with my neighbour's smog monster.

Fortunately, I was carrying a water spray. I squirted it in Borg's face and he soon calmed down, but not before they'd both destroyed a downtown district of Tokyo. My neighbour told me not to worry, and gave Borg a handful of yummy treats.


25 June 1999 - GIANT SALAMANDER

I had to go away on holiday the other day, and while I was gone I booked my pet giant salamander, Borg, into a kennel. Unfortunately, while I was away I got a call from the kennel woman telling me that Borg was causing trouble.

Apparently, he'd been breathing fire into the kennel of a three-headed ghidora, and had bitten a mothra called Fluffy. When I arrived at the kennel to pick him up, I found he'd been muzzled having just gotten into a fight with a mecha-godzilla which had destroyed a small Japanese island.


26 June 1999 - GIANT SALAMANDER

I've had to take my giant salamander for obedience lessons after he bit my sofa to shreds and destroyed the entire Japanese navy. So far the lessons have been going well - I've already taught my giant salamander to sit and beg on command.

However, I wasn't too keen on the trainer's suggestion that I carry a thermo-nuclear device with me when I'm taking him on walks, just in case he gets out of control again. Also, she suggested I get him a longer lead, and a coat for the winter.


27 June 1999 - GIANT SALAMANDER

I'm feeling mixed emotions today: my giant salamander, Borg gave birth last night. While I'm happy for Borg, I'm at a loss as to what I should do with the more than 300 giant salamander eggs which have filled my house and garden.

Any day now they're going to hatch and I don't think I can afford to keep all of them. I've already put an ad in the paper, but I fear that if I can't afford the lot, I'm going to have to put them in a bin liner and fire them into the heart of the sun.


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