Human Guinea Pig
31/1/97-3/2/97
31 January 1997 - HUMAN GUINEA PIG
I'm no longer rich, as a result of accidentally dropping my money in a vicar's toilet.
I'm not sad, though, for my new job is working as a human guinea pig. Last night the professor I'm working for, Mr Darren Dots, had me eat a lump of some new chemical he'd invented. I didn't mind at first, because it tasted like Ribena. However, I wasn't too happy when my thumb swelled up to the size of a mullet, and my eye dropped out and fell in a vicar's toilet!
1 February 1997 - HUMAN GUINEA PIG
Mr Darren Dots has been using me to test a new line of ladies' makeup. Last night he did my eyes with mascara, and my lippy-lips with a lovely shade of Evening Peach.
I felt wonderful, and wanted to show my new looks to the world! I ran across the laboratory, and flung open the door to the street. Everything was fine for about half a second, but as soon as the street air reacted to the makeup, my head started to inflate. It is now over three hundred feet in diameter.
3 February 1997 - HUMAN GUINEA PIG
Mr Darren Dots has been testing a new slimming product on me. It's called Super-Slims, and looks like a small plastic clown which fits in my gob. At the base of the clown is a metal grill, which helps me to breath.
Every time I want something to eat, the clown detects a release of "eating hormones" in my mouth, and releases three pounds of dried weeds and nettles down my throat. This has the effect of filling me up, and stinging me in equal measures.
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