The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Mayor Of London


3 May 2000 - MAYOR OF LONDON

I've unexpectedly been voted Lord Mayor Of Old London Town.

It's my job to make sure that funds are distributed evenly across policing, culture, transport, and the construction of a golden dirigible in the shape of a majestic swan.

I shall hold court in my golden bird, as it glides silently across the grey stacks of this grand capital, while my naked minions drop rose petals onto the heads of my awed subjects. Then, and only then, shall I green-light a new contraflow system around Marble March.

4 May 2000 - MAYOR OF LONDON

It's a lot of fun being Lord Mayor Of Old London Town, and to show my appreciation for the people who elected me to office, I have drawn up plans to demolish Trafalgar Square and replace that dull column with a big sculpture of me.

I plan to eschew traditional statue materials, and construct it out of yellow plastic. Not only will this make it highly distinctive, but it will be easier to clean "bird business" off it - something that blights the current statue of Nelson Mandela.

5 May 2000 - MAYOR OF LONDON

I like being Lord Mayor Of Old London Town, but I fear that my robes of office - which I personally designed upon being voted to power - may require some redesigning.

For starters, I think I'm going to have to change my hat - which covers my entire head, and is designed to resemble a sparrow's head. Also, the cape - which is covered in a million feathers, and attached to my wrists so that when I raise my arms it looks like I'm flying - keeps getting covered in some sort of cajun sauce.

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