20 December 1999 - ROBOT COUSINS
I've been forced to spend the Christmas period with my family, which I'm not best pleased about. This year my clan has descended on the house of Great Uncle Rory, who has compensated for his lack of children by building a family of robotic sons.
Unfortunately, my android cousins have malfunctioned, and Uncle Rory refuses to acknowledge the fact. Cousin XF-11 just lies on the floor outside my bedroom, his jaw chomping away wordlessly while steam hisses out of his chest vent. He scares me bad.
21 December 1999 - ROBOT COUSINS
I'm spending Christmas with my inventor uncle Rory Poltroon, and his family of malfunctioning robot sons. Last night I was fixing a sandwich in the kitchen, when cousin 5B-2B approached me with his arms outstretched, and his fingers spinning like lethal drill bits. I asked what he was doing, but his mechanical voice droned: "HU-MAN IS ENEMY OF DROID."
Later, at the hospital while I was having my face stitched back together, Uncle Rory tried to laugh off the attack as "an innocent prank gone wrong."
22 December 1999 - ROBOT COUSINS
I'm spending Christmas with my inventor uncle Rory Poltroon, and his family of malfunctioning robot sons. Yesterday, as we sat around writing our Christmas lists, Cousin 4X-11 suddenly stood up, his eyes glowing bright red, and began hissing at me with his snapping robot mouth.
As he got ever closer to me, his mouth snapping dangerously, Uncle Rory simply clapped his hands and chuckled.
As the android tore at my scalp, I insisted that Rory deactivated him, but he said that "boys will be boys"...
23 December 1999 - ROBOT COUSINS
Yesterday Uncle Rory and I went out with my robot cousins to choose a Christmas tree. Sadly, Cousin RT-35 fell in a brook and short-circuited.
As his legs fell off and his arms flailed, his "brothers" merely stared, emanating sinister electronic noises.
Later, I watched from my bedroom window as they held a bizarre robot funeral for RT-35 in the garden. It incorporated binary computer language prayers with watching a disreputable movie.
24 December 1999 - ROBOT COUSINS
I've had enough of spending Christmas with my Uncle Rory, and his insane robot sons. Last night I discovered that Uncle Rory had in fact died some five years ago, and has since been replaced by a realistic rubber effigy, strapped to a Walkman playing many of his most common phrases.
I asked the robots why they had done this, but the conversation was fairly one-sided, and when I asked if they'd bought me a Christmas present they just laughed. Albeit a sort of robot laugh which sounded more like a buzzer.