7 December 1999 - STORE SANTA
Inevitably, I've got a new job as a department store Santa. It's quite hard work, but it's also rather rewarding: you see, I get paid about £200 a week, plus I get a bonus if I can encourage the kiddies to have their photo taken with me.
Admittedly, my approach has been slightly heavy-handed - my bosses have informed me that I can no longer brandish a whip - but I'm already on course for a £75-£100 bonus this week, and you just can't argue with those sort of figures.
8 December 1999 - STORE SANTA
Being a department store Santa is the craziest job ever, but it also gives me a tremendous sense of power. I have two assistants, Guy Roper and Jason Wetherall - who act as elves. I have written into their contracts a clause which gives me the power to decide whether they live or die. Of course, I don't intend to exercise this right, but knowing it's there keeps them in check.
Also, I keep a couple of shotguns beneath my throne as an added incentive for them to tread the path of righteousness.