6 November 1997 - ROMANCE GUIDE
One of the most important aspects of romancing ladies is your appearance. You can't expect them to fancy you if you've just come straight from the local coal mine.
For instant results, try wearing a pair of baggy trousers and a flouncy shirt, and stuff the arms and legs with liver. Hopefully she'll think you've got really big muscles. If this doesn't work, tell her you have a glandular disorder which causes you to swell (a useful lie at other times, too).
8 November 1997 - ROMANCE GUIDE
When you've successfully wooed a lady, the next stage is getting her to marry you. The lady is more likely to agree if you propose to her in a unique fashion.
Try hiding the engagement ring inside a trout, and order her to cut it free, or you could try throwing the ring up her exhaust pipe. When she stops the car to inspect the rattling she'll have a lovely surprise. Failing that, a diamond ring at the bottom of a jar of olives can be an attractive proposition.