12 June 2000 - SMALL CIRCUS
I've got a new job running the world's smallest circus. I travel from town to town, carrying the circus in a rucksack. Unlike larger circuses, my small circus doesn't feature lions or clowns, or trapeze artists - it features me shining a torch on the back of a cereal packet.
I realise that this may sound a little bit "avant garde", but I can assure you that audiences of all ages love the spectacle of the "little top". You see, while performing my "Torch Adventure", I writhe about wearing a very small, very tight, cropped vest top.
13 June 2000 - SMALL CIRCUS
It's real big fun running the world's smallest circus. I get to see faces of all ages light up, at the spectacle of the "little top". I've just signed a new act to appear at the Small Circus. He's a little guy called Marcus, who I met in a pub.
Marcus can do this thing with his fingers where he bends them right back, so that the tips of his fingers touch the back of his hand. Honestly - it truly is the most spectacular thing you ever saw. Even more spectacular, while he's bending his fingers I spray him with jelly, to a thumping techno beat.
14 June 2000 - SMALL CIRCUS
My miniature circus is having to move to new premises, after a car reversed over our previous "little top" - a cardboard box that was used to transport a dishwasher. For our new "little top", I've strapped a couple of beer crates to a duvet.
It may not be as practical as our previous venue, but the aesthetic is certainly more interesting. Indeed, according to my sources audiences are said to be "bowled over" with it. Also, I've heard... I... I'm wasting my life on this, aren't I? Does anybody care anymore? Hello? HELLO!?