The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Swimming Pool


29 May 2000 - SWIMMING POOL

I've got a new job now running the local swimming baths. It's quite a lot of fun doing this job, as I've been given carte blanche to increase pool attendance figures. I was in bed the other night trying to think of my options, and then I had a brainwave.

I thought back to a party I went to in the 1970s and it hit me: punch! I would turn the pool into a punchbowl! Unfortunately, all the fruit I threw in the pool has now rotted and clogged up the filters, and I've also had complaints that the level of rum in the water is dangerously high.

30 May 2000 - SWIMMING POOL

Running a swimming pool is hard, but rewarding work. My favourite bit of the job is inspecting the changing rooms for bandits. My inspection routine is always the same: I stomp into the unisex changing area banging a large tin drum, and shouting "Bandit! Bandit!"

Theoretically, this will startle any bandits, and thus flush them out into the open. To date I have captured precisely no bandits. I don't know about you, but I feel that statistics like that prove conclusively that my security methods are working.

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