24 May 2000 - SPEAKING CLOCK
I've got a new job as the voice of the speaking clock. It's not a badly-paid job - but I should think not, considering I have to stay awake 24 hours a day, until my contract expires in 2015.
Yesterday I got into trouble with my employer, Mr Patrick Thistle, because I left my post for an hour while I went to the toilet. He told me I was "responsible for the people of Britain having no time". Also, it was hardly my fault I had food poisoning, and got lost on the way to the bathroom, and had to use a broom cupboard.
25 May 2000 - SPEAKING CLOCK
Being the voice of the speaking clock could hardly be described as an exciting job, but it does have its perks. For instance, I broadcast my times from a plush office at the top of a big skyscraper. Also, my office has a big cactus in it.
Even better than all that my employer, Mr Patrick Thistle, keeps me entertained with impromptu behaviour, such as pretending to be a horse, or pretending to be a golfer, and then falling over. Honestly - sometimes I want to laugh so hard that I actually suffer a blackout!
26 May 2000 - SPEAKING CLOCK
I've had to stop being the voice of the speaking clock after I suffered what can only be described as "a violent, profanity-laced outburst" whilst reading the time.
I tried to explain to my employer, Mr Patrick Thistle, that I thought I'd seen a porcupine in my booth, and panicked. Unfortunately, he wasn't having any of it, and pointed to a map of the world, indicating the countries where porcupines are indigenous.
He said that the chances of a porcupine being in my booth were "about 13%".