New TV Show
27 January 1996
I am Phoning Honey – the moon-man with a pram.
I still haven't been able to rid my garden of vermin. Last night, about 200 badgers came in and pulled all the trees over. I'm going to put "the powders" on the lawn tonight.
In other news, I'm continuing my oafish humiliation of humble shop-boys. I told them I wanted them to be on my TV show, see. The names are changed, but not the song! I'll never change that song.
1. CONSOLE CITY, DERBY
US: Mmm, I'm calling from Got It! TV, and I've been told that your shop has some great boys who might want to be games experts on a new TV show.
CC: (laughs) Well, there's only me!
US: That's right. Knowledge can be a dangerous weapon… like a big cannon.
CC: Where did you say you were calling from?
US: Get Up! TV. We've been commissioned to do a new hourly TV show looking at the games industry from the point of view of the little shops. It's going to be hosted by Richard O'Sullivan's son, Solomon. Solly O'Sullivan.
CC: I'm just not sure what…
US: Look, can we have a bit of respect round here? I'm offering you the chance to do a five-minute comedy rap to camera about current retail trends. What do you look like?
CC: Well, sort of average. Maybe a bit shorter than average. 5'8". Going back to what you were saying about a rap…
US: Do you look like anyone? Do people say you look like a celebrity?
CC: (laughs) No… nothing like that.
US: I see. It's just that one of our researchers told me you looked like Neil Armstrong.
US: I'm very disappointed with you. Pinewood Studios had agreed to let us borrow some of the old Moonraker sets, and you'd come on in a space-suit and start bouncing around and talking about customers. The slot was going to be called Zero-G RRP. Oh, you idiot.
CC: Look, sorry, but to be honest, I don't really think I'm your man.
US: Yes… listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start off at you like that. I've really been under the cosh here.
CC: ...Well, aren't we all, I suppose.
US: You're... you're a good listener. Can... look, I know this is going to sound a bit... well... no. No.
CC: It sounds as if you should maybe take things a bit easier.
US: ...Of course! That's exactly what I should do! Do you want to come on holiday with me?
CC: ...A customer's just come in. I'll... I've got to go. Take it easy.
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