The Man With A Long Chin's Diary

 

"A Church Hall" - Booking A Venue

16 May 1998

Holy cow - here I am again, and I've barely had a chance to pull my trousers up since our last encounter. Hello, I'm Phoning Honey, the famous green guy who can't stop himself from using the phone for hilarious pranks.

This week, I've been trying to book a hall for a big videogames show I've been attempting to organise. Of course, the name of the hall has been changed to prevent me from getting into some kind of awful trouble. Phone on!

"A CHURCH HALL", NORTH LONDON

US: US: Ah, good afternoon. Am I speaking to the fellow responsible for bookings?

H: Bookings for the hall you mean?

US: Why, do you do other sorts of bookings?

H: No, I'm the man who books the hall.

US: Most excellent. And could you give me some idea of your prices?

H: You want it for an evening?

US: Perhaps I should explain what we require the hall for. My colleagues and I are attempting to organise a national videogames convention. You are familiar with these terms, yes?

H: Terms?

US: The phrases I am using. The words.

H: How do you mean?

US: Do you understand what I am saying?

H: Oh, sorry. Yes I do. Go on.

US: I want to book your hall for an entire weekend for our convention - working title Game Convention 98. Could you give me some idea of your human body capacity.

H: Cap...? Human what?

US: How many people can you fit in your hall? Do you see?

H: Oh, about two, maybe, three hundred.

US: Ah. You see, we were anticipating a crowd of about eight thousand or more.

H: No, no, we're only a small hall.

US: Please don't get shirty with me. Look, I'm sure we can work around the size of your hall. How would you feel if we staged the event inside, but kept the visitors outside, and beamed images from inside, via satellite technology, into their hypothalmus?

H: Into their what's?

US: You are familiar with the workings of the human mind?

H: I thought this was computer games.

US: Sigh... now, listen, we want to get some male strippers down for our convention - they're a Japanese troupe called Raw Sushi. I believe Nintendo use them at corporate functions. Do you forsee any problem there?

H: Will they take everything off?

US: Are you getting excited?

H: No, I mean, we're attached to a church. I doubt we'd be allowed to have strippers in the hall. Maybe they could dance about, but no getting anything out. This isn't The Full Monty!

US: No, and nor is it Citizen Kane. Look, this videogame convention is very important to us. We're attempting to establish an annual event, and all you're doing is getting in the way.

H: Well, fine. Then don't use my hall. I'm sure there are plenty of places that'd let you have strippers.

US: What did you just call me?

H: I didn't call you anything.

US: Goodbye!


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