"Games Cone" - Counterfeit Goods
7 February 1998
Whsss! Whssss! Whsss! You may have wondered what those noises were, but let me reassure you that they're just the noises that happen before I make one of my special prank phonecalls. For I am Phoning Honey.
This week I've been calling the fat fools in the games shops to see if they can shed any light on why the goods they sold me were stolen. I have changed the real names to unreal names to prevent further legal troubling.
"GAMES CONE", London
US: Good morning. I'm calling from O.A.T.S, the Organisation Against Theft of Software, and we've had a claim that you may be stocking illicit goods.
GC: Er... hang on. I'll get the manager.
US: Just do it.
GC (MANAGER): Hello, can I help you?
US: You'd better, mate, or you're going down big time. We've been given a PlayStation, allegedly bought at your store, which appears to be a black market clone.
GC: No. We don't stock anything like that. I'd know if we did.
US: Well you would say that.
GC: That's because it's true.
US: I wouldn't get lippy, mate - these are serious allegations.
GC: I'm not getting lippy. I just don't like being accused of things.
US: Nobody likes being accused of things, sir - especially not when they're guilty as hell.
GC: Look, you can't just ring us up out of the blue and start accusing me of stocking dodgy goods. It's not on.
US: You'd rather we gave you warning so you can hide the merchandise?
GC: There is no merchandise! No dodgy merchandise, anyway. We stock some import machines, and official PAL versions. We have no clones, or bootleg hardware in the shop.
US: So, you're saying this customer may have bought this cloned PlayStation from your mail order division?
GC: We don't have a mail order division. I want to know what evidence you have that this kid bought this thing at our shop.
US: We've a sworn affidavit, receipts, the hardware in question, and I've got a team on standby ready to drive down there and take photographs of you and your shop.
US: Why what?
GC: Why do you want a photograph of me?
US: For our records. So we can check your face against our database.
GC: I've never so much as been stopped for speeding. You won't find anything about me on your database.
US: Oh? Perhaps that's because you're a master of disguise. Perhaps you're really Burglar Bill in disguise.
GC: Just get lost. (HANGS UP)
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (firstname.lastname@example.org) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.