29 April 2000
Look and see me — I am Phoning Honey, the little green dude with a taste for the phoney fun.
It's my job to use the electric telephone to call people and feed them prank lines. This week, in a change from my normal routine, I've been calling games firms customer services departments.
Because I'm scared, I've changed the names of the participants to avoid beats to my rubbery, blubbery, super-sugary lips. Phone-on!
"ANONYMOUS GAMES" CUSTOMER SERVICES
AG: Hello, "Anonymous Games". This call is being charged at national rate. How can I help you?
US: Is that the right number if I'm having trouble with one of your games?
AG: Where are you stuck on a game?
US: What are you implying?
AG: Are you after a tip?
US: I don't know, but you're really starting to upset me! Let me try and explain. I bought your game "Axe Master", and I put it in the CD tray and I'm not sure it's happening right.
AG: This is for the PC, yes?
AG: Have you tried the usual stuff?
US: What are you saying to me?
AG: Have you got your autoplay on?
US: No, just a vest.
AG: Ha ha, no. I mean, is your PC set up properly to play games automatically when you put it in?
US: I don't know about any of that. All I know is that other games work. Your game starts but never stops.
AG: Er... have you got the right drivers for your 3D card?
US: This is "Axe Master". It isn't a driving game. But it is driving me mad, ha ha ha! D'you get it?
AG: You might need to download some new 3D card drivers off of the Net.
US: The Internet? I haven't got that.
AG: Then you can contact your card manufacturer and they may be able to send you a new driver.
US: Is it Hallmark?
US: Is the card manufacturer Hallmark?
AG: What sort of card have you got?
US: Card... cardboard?
AG: No, your 3D card. What type is it?
US: You mean like a birthday card? You want to know the typeface?
AG: NO! Do you have a 3D card inside your computer?
US: I haven't put anything in there. Only your game, and that isn't working.
AG: Look, I can't help you unless you can give me some information about your computer.
US: Right. Sorry. I've been staying up late for the last week. I don't know what's going on anymore.
AG: That's OK. Now what specification is your PC?
US: (Snoring sounds)
US: (Snoring sounds)
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