12 July 1999 - CLOWN NEIGHBOURS
A family of clowns have moved in next door to me, and my life has been a living hell ever since. They invited me round for dinner the other night, and I've never before been witness to such a spectacle.
First, the daddy clown threw a crusty roll at his wife, and then hit her round the head with a plank. Then the son clown threw a bucket of shredded paper at me, and some of it went in my soup. Then, the daughter clown pushed the soup into my lap, and punched me hard in the mouth. At least the daddy clown sent her to bed for this.
13 July 1999 - CLOWN NEIGHBOURS
It's a living hell being next door to a family of clowns. They keep me awake most of the night, honking horns and driving around the cul-de-sac in their little cars. I've tried to complain, but when I last spoke to the head clown, he just asked me to smell the flower in his buttonhole. When I did he punched me hard in the mouth.
I wrote a letter to council - who re-housed the clowns next to me after their circus blew down - but the reply I got was four A3-sized pages of binary computer code.
14 July 1999 - CLOWN NEIGHBOURS
I've had enough of my clown neighbours. Last night I ran out of sugar and went next door to borrow some. I rang the doorbell, and the head clown answered. As I tried to ask him for some sugar, he pulled my trousers away from my waist and poured wallpaper paste down my pants. Then he whispered something and, as I leant in to hear what it was, he brought his knee up into my chest.
I dropped to the ground wheezing but the clown just beeped a horn and dragged a small, wet fish along the length of my body.