31 July 1998 - ESKIMO
My Eskimo neighbours have finally accepted me into their community after I paraded around town wearing a Pingu T-shirt while eating Fox's Glacier Mints.
They weren't so keen on my attempts to impress them by drinking cherryade until it came out of my nose, but I think they knew my intentions were purely honourable. I have been asked to accompany the other men Eskimos on a food gathering expedition to the local Tesco's. They're going to steal a couple of kippers.
1 August 1998 - ESKIMO
Yesterday's trip to Tesco with my Eskimo pals turned into something of a melee.
Firstly, they insisted I wear a special hat, then, totally against my will, they made me ride in the childrens' seat of the trolley. No matter how much I screamed, they wouldn't free me from this so-called Trolley Hell.
I later discovered that this ritual is expected of all Eskimos upon their first visit to Tesco. Unfortunately, store security didn't see it that way.
3 August 1998 - ESKIMO
I'm starting to regret my decision to become an Eskimo, after my new friends made me eat a load of blubber last night. We'd gone to a local restaurant which serves nothing but blubber and snow.
The first course was a big plate of blubber, followed by a bowl of blubber and snow, with a load of minced blubber and crushed ice for pudding. I was OK at first, until the waiter pointed out what blubber was with a graphic slide show depicting 40 years of whaling.