Our Funny Games
7 October 1995
Dear mother, I'm Phoning Honey – the prankster who really knows his arms from a monkey's arms.
As you will know once I've told you, I've been calling round more shops and trying to flog some dodgy PlayStation CDs.
You may be asking why I've been doing this, and you'd be right – I am doing this! That's a funny thing.
The phoning has begun again.
1. TELE-PORT, ESSEX
US: How's this: I’m John Surtees from Superberth Interactive. Might you be interested in a large quantity of Ridge Racer titles we have?
TELE-PORT: Probably not, to be honest. We're really just shifting hardware at the moment. What's the unit price?
US: We could do you a baxon of 25 at 12 quid a throw.
TELE-PORT: That's not bad at all.
US: It is quite special. I should say the reason we can do these so cheap is because they're… variations.
TELE-PORT: Of what?
US: Of the official Ridge Racer game. To get around copyright we had to make a couple of changes. So instead of a car, what you have is a sort of wheel-less… well, the best way to describe it would be a trunk.
US: Yes, but the rest of the graphics are absolutely spot-on.
TELE-PORT: I really don't think there'd be a market for it.
US: Oh, come on. Imagine your shop, all full up with people shouting "Trunk game, Trunk game!".
TELE-PORT: No, really. Thanks.
2. CG EXPRESS, LONDON
US: I'm calling from Superberth Custom games. Do you sell PlayStation games at all?
CG: I'm sorry? You're who?
US: Superberth. Custom! Custom. Yes.
CG: OK. Carry on…
US: We've a new product which allows you to alter certain aspects of Ridge Racer. Do you like this idea?
CG: Hang on – I'm not going to get in trouble with Sony, am I?
US: Never. We've checked it out. It's only an add-on CD. It lets you change stuff. You know?
CG: What sort of stuff?
US: Well, you could replace all the cars with Monopoly playing pieces, or turn the trees into hangmen with their swaying nooses. How about that one!
CG: Well, it's quite interesting. I…
US: And you know when the game loads, you get Galaxians? Well, we've replaced that with some powerful adult images.
CG: Yes. That seems to be the sort of thing people want.
US: Good. We're also offering a number of retailer incentives to persuade you to stock this product.
US: For, say, every 25 you buy we'll send you pictures of Cozy Powell or a paint set. That sort of thing.
CG: OK. How much will this cost me?
US: We're thinking of selling them for £2. Are you interested?
CG: Well, yes! Of course. Erm…
US: It makes us glad that you're excited with this new product.
CG: Can you send me some sort of literature or something?
US: Yes. Are you coming to the party?
CG: What party is that?
US: Gotta go. Bye. Love you lots!
CG: Oh. OK. Bye then.
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