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The Man With A Long Chin's Diary

 

Our Inventions

2 September 1995

I am Phoning Honey – "the phoning prankney".

In my eternal (e)quest(rian) to upset the shoppingtons, I've been calling them up and pretending to be an independent inventor attempting to find a buyer for his latest notion.

Some of you may find the things I do quite unusual. This is a good, if unusual, reaction to the things I do. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and an even better birthday. Well done.

1. TEE-VISIONS, NOTTINGHAM

US: Hello, I'm an independent inventor.

TEE-VISIONS: Beg pardon?

US: I've invented a peripheral for the new superconsoles which you might want to sell in your little shop.

TEE-VISIONS: Well...

US: It's an ice-based visual projection system. It's very good.

TEE-VISIONS: Ice?

US: What it is is a large sheet of coloured ice, which is rapidly frozen then thawed to provide brilliant clarity on most surfaces. Well?

TEE-VISIONS: I wouldn’t want to dismiss it out of hand. Have you got a model?

US: I've run up a prototype on a Psion Organiser, but at this stage it only works in a walk-in fridge. I could do you a drawing.

TEE-VISIONS: A drawing or some photocopies would be good. I'm not sure I understand the concept.

US: Well, it's pretty obvious. We've called it Image Control Enhancement – ICE, you see. Coloured frost.

TEE-VISIONS: I'd certainly be interested to find out more.

US: It's a good name, isn't it? And we only want a tenner for the stupid thing. Goodbye.


2. ELECTROLAND, GLASGOW

US: How are you? I've invented a marvellous peripheral with both practical and entertaining functions.

ELECTROLAND: Yeah?

US: Imagine this: an intruder comes in and tries to take away your Saturn. He stretches towards it, and BANG! A load of ultra-high wattage diodes go right off in his face.

ELECTROLAND: Yeah?

US: Yes! But it could be funny as well: you could wait until your friends went to look at your new machine, then laugh as they get shone on. At.

ELECTROLAND: Yeah?

US: It's called The Dioencryptor – the whole point being that you can only bypass the security system if you know how many diodes there are. There are 34 diodes. Hello?


3. TK GAMES, LIVERPOOL

US: Do you sell add-ons?

TK: Not really. No.

US: Well, I've developed a new style of controller specifically for 3D games.

TK: I see.

US: Shall I explain it to you, and you could decide whether to stock it?

TK: You could do.

US: If you imagine a book lying on a table, open at 45 degrees. Painted on both internal surfaces is a sensitive grid and suspended above the grid from an A-frame are two balls on strings.

TK GAMES: How…

US: By swinging the balls towards the grid, you can control the movement of the character on the screen. We currently have working SNES models.

TK GAMES: It sounds interesting…

TK GAMES: That would be good for driving games.

US: Don't be an idiot. It's a stand-alone item. Free fun for all!

TK GAMES: Right… do you have any literature on these items?

US: I could send you a picture of someone sitting in the chair, smiling.

TK GAMES: OK then, that'd be great!

US: Love you lots. Love! Love! Hello?

 


Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.

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