1997 - Babes In The Wood
SCENE 1: THE CASTLE
Yound Hansel and his sister Gretl are cooking a big pie with their mother.
HANSEL: Mother, we don't really want to cook this pie. We want to play.
MOTHER: There's no time for playing, children, I'm going to cook you in this pie. Cook you and then eat you.
GRETL: What did you say?
MOTHER: I said I love you.
HANSEL: Are you going to cook us and eat us mother? Is that what you said?
MOTHER: I did say that, yes, but I meant it metaphorically. When I say "cook" I mean "stifle" and when I say "eat" I mean "sell you to the butcher".
GRETL: Your words make little sense, mother. I thought you loved us.
MOTHER: I do, my dear. But I can't afford to keep you any longer. I'm going to swap you for a Tamagotchi. The butcher has a turtle one.
SCENE 2: THE WOODS
Young Hansel and his sister Gretl are running through the woods.
HANSEL: Phew! That was a close one, but we eventually escaped that crazy momma.
GRETL: I got very scared when momma began swinging her foot, and banging her fist on that tray. Hansel: I was more scared when she threw that bowl of spiders at us, and threatened to make us eat the tray.
Suddenly a Puffy Jacket erupts from behind a tree. It is drinking from a can of Strongbow, has a mobile phone in his pocket, and his college folder is under his arm.
PUFFY: Mind the sneaks, man.
PUFFY: Whass happenin'?
HANSEL: We're lost in the woods, for we are The Babes In The Wood. Do you see?
GRETL: Can you help us?
HANSEL: We're lost.
PUFFY: What did you call me? Are you looking at my woman? I'm gonna smack you in if you look at my woman.
HANSEL: What's going on?
PUFFY: Just one call on this phone, man and you're gonna go down. I just gotta call my man Derek and he'll be down here and smack you up bad, man.
HANSEL: What have I done?
Suddenly, the Puffy Jacket goes away, because he's got a geography lecture to go to. Hansel and Gretl find themselves outside a little house.
HANSEL: Look at this house, Gretl. It looks like it's made of...clay!
GRETL: You're right. I'm so hungry, do you think it would be alright if I ate a bit?
HANSEL: I'm sure it'll be fine. Look, I'm eating a pipe, a roof tile and part of the front porch.
SCENE: INSIDE THE CLAY HOUSE
It's very warm and cosy. A Playstation is hooked up to the television, and an old woman snoozes in front of it.
HANSEL: Look - an old woman.
GRETL: Let's steal her money and use it to buy cigarettes and alcopops.
HANSEL: No, Gretl. Not only are we under age, but theft is technically illegal. Even theft from old people who will be dead soon anyway.
Suddenly, the old woman wakes up, and runs at Hansel and Gretl, screaming.
HANSEL: Look out!
They dive out of the way, and the old woman runs into the wall.
WOMAN: Ouch! I'm sorry, I thought you were a couple of social workers.
GRETL: Old woman, we're so cold and hungry, can we stay here with you for a while? We can entertain you by dancing like giraffes, if you'd like that.
WOMAN: Of course you crazy kids can stay here. I even have a bit of a treat in store for you.
HANSEL: Really? What is it?
GRETL: Tell us, old woman. Please tell us - we'll be ever so good.
WOMAN: Three words - Actua Golf 2.
GRETL: Sacre bleu!
HANSEL: Let's get outta here!
More pant-ohs to read with your eyes: here
2000 - THE WIZARD OF OZ: PART 2
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