The Digitiser Christmas Pant-oh

1998 - Honey I Shrunk The Dwarves

SCENE 1: THE LABORATORY OF RICK MORANIS

MORANIS: Oh boy! It's Christmas and real soon I'm going to get mightily drunk on booze.

DR SLEEPING BEAUTY: Keep it down, Moranis. Can't you see I'm performing a delicate experiment over here?

MORANIS: Baby, I don't care who gets to hear how happy I am. I'm so happy, I'm gonna start spinning and not stop until I've really annoyed you! Wheee! Ha ha! Whee! See me spin! Ha ha ha!

DR SLEEPING BEAUTY: Stop it! Stop it! Damn you, Moranis. I'm trying to calibrate my shrinking ray here and you've knocked it out of alignment with your relentless spinning and capering.

MORANIS: Oh, brother! Now the ray is pointing right at those dwarves we keep locked up in a cage in case they start biting people or making a nuisance of themselves.

DR SLEEPING BEAUTY: And now the ray has struck seven of the dwarves, shrinking them. I also note that a gust has blown the dwarves out of the window. This is all your fault, Moranis. If those dwarves reach civilisation all hell will break out.

MORANIS: There's only one person I know who has a nose for tracking dwarves, and here she is now - Miss Ruth MacGregor!

DR SLEEPING BEAUTY: Who is she?

MISS MACGREGOR: I'm a dwarf expert.

DR SLEEPING BEAUTY: Really?

MISS MACGREGOR: Yes.


SCENE 2: THE COUNTRYSIDE

MISS MACGREGOR: Excuse me, Aladdin, but have you seen seven miniature dwarves blow past on a gust?

ALADDIN: He's behind you.

MISS MACGREGOR: Who is?

ALADDIN: My father.

MISS MACGREGOR: I don't see anyone.

ALADDIN: That's because you're standing on his grave.


SCENE 3: FARM

MISS MACGREGOR: I'm never going to find these miniaturised dwarves, unless... of course! Excuse me, are you Rhino out of The Gladiators?

RHINO: No, I'm Jet.

MISS MACGREGOR: I'm looking for some dwarves. They're being blown along on a gust of wind. It's very sad.

JET: I've seen your dwarves, miss. They blew into the old MacGregor place.

MISS MACGREGOR: My childhood home!


SCENE 4: MACGREGOR CASTLE

MISS MACGREGOR: This place, it... it brings back such terrible memories.

BLUTO: Can I help you, miss?

MISS MACGREGOR: It's Bluto out of the Popeye cartoons - my childhood confidante. Do you remember me, Bluto?

BLUTO: The drink has dulled my memory.

MISS MACGREGOR: Perhaps you'll remember... these!

BLUTO: Oh, Miss MacGregor - I remember! I haven't seen those cufflinks since your kindly uncle died.

MISS MACGREGOR: Of course not - I was the one who fished them out of his throat after he'd choked.

BLUTO: What brings you back to this old castle, Miss MacGregor?

MISS MACGREGOR: I'm searching for seven miniaturised dwarves.

BLUTO: I have your dwarves right here.

MISS MACGREGOR: I'm as happy as a bee!

BLUTO: Here are the seven missing miniaturised dwarves, Miss MacGregor.

MISS MACGREGOR: I don't understand, Bluto - these aren't dwarves. Why, this one's a strip of bark, and this one's an Iced Gem. This is just a collection of rubbish things.

BLUTO: Sob... sob... I just wanna help.

MISS MACGREGOR: If I don't find these dwarves soon, Rick Moranis is going to be furious with me.

BLUTO: Rick Moranis you say? Hmm...


SCENE 57: LABORATORY OF RICK MORANIS

MISS MACGREGOR: So you see, Rick Moranis, though we didn't find the dwarves, we did manage to bring you back a lovely bunch of coconuts.

MORANIS: Coconuts? My favourite! But how did you know?

BLUTO: I'm your biggest fan, Moranis. I have all your records and have read several fact files on you.

MORANIS: I've never had coconuts before. This is the best Christmas that has ever been!


(RICK MORANIS SINGS A SONG)

So this is Christmas,
And what have we done?
I have been brought coconuts,
The fruit from the sun.

So this is Christmas,
A time for sharing and love,
And when it's very cold,
You put on one glove (if you have lost the other one).

So this is Christmas,
The best time of year,
A time of ceasefires,
And gas explosions.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!


More pant-ohs to read with your eyes: here

1993 - CHINDERELLA

1995 - DAVID BELT AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

1997 - BABES IN THE WOOD

1999 - SNOW BROWN & THE SEVEN SPORKS

2000 - THE WIZARD OF OZ: PART 2

Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.

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