The Digitiser Christmas Pant-oh

1995 - David Belt And The Seven Dwarves

Cast In Order

David Belt – a munitions expert

Prince Auto – a handsome

Queen Trabscoff – an evil

And introducing the dwarves:

V-shape, French Boy 27, French Boy 24, Style, Russ, Clocky-Fatso, Runthane

It is the year 1948 and everyone is rocking around the clock to the swinging sounds of The Beatles, Long John Daldry and Dr Hook.

Yet in one small corner of Scotland a munitions expert, David Belt, has been sent into the forest to die. His crime: consumer terrorism.

The evil Queen Trabscoff has vowed to smack Belty's mouth with a bone if he doesn't die within the next five days. But Belty has found a battery to eat…

(Scene 1: Castle Tutton. The Evil Queen is washing her CDs in a hive. A magical mirror looks on.)

QUEEN: What do I look like as I wash these CDs? Mirror mirror on the shelf, do you like my face/wealth?

MIRROR: Well, your face is riddled with germs, and your money is all pretend money. What do you say to that?

QUEEN: True, but David Belt is dying in the forest.

(Scene 2: The Forest. David Belt is lost. He sits astride a fibreglass prig and cries.)

BELT: I am sorry for what I did, but if I can't get back to tend my model catfish tonight, they'll probably rot!

V-SHAPE: Yes, but I can help.

BELT: I don't know who you are.

V-SHAPE: I am V-Shape the snake (dwarf). Do you want to come with me to my house? There's a mask on the table!

(Scene 3: Dwarf house.)

BELT: This is lovely. You've got a line running from the bedroom to the front door, a stripe painted on the oven, and there are tank parts everywhere!

V-SHAPE: Right, you poxed-up supergrass – I'm in charge now. Get down on your knees and start filling this bottle. If you do it fast enough I’ll show you a magic seed.

BELT: Oh no – it's even worse than before!


BELT: Cough… ptth-ack. I've nearly half-filled the bottle.

V-SHAPE: Bad. You can only see a smaller seed now.

BELT: This isn't a seed – it's a screw!

V-SHAPE: Come on, let's go to the mine.

BELT: P-kay!

(Scene 4: The mine.)

V-SHAPE: This is where I dig about. I look for dimes and flakey bits.

BELT: That's interesting. What's that there – sticking out of the cart?

(Belt pulls back a sheet to reveal a load of spines and that. He whoops like an Argonaut.)

V-SHAPE: Those are my brothers. It's sad, but they didn't understand me. Look – I can still dance with them! Ha!

(Scene 5: Castle Tutton. The Evil Queen is trying to kiss Prince Auto. Auto is fending her off with a huge ski.)

QUEEN: Come along now – kiss my scalp.

PRINCE: But I just want to know where David Belt is. He's the best man ever!

QUEEN: True, but David Belt is dying in the forest.

PRINCE: I'm gonna start to find out all about what you say about Belty soon.

(Scene 6: The Mine. David Belt and V-Shape are having a big fight.)

V-SHAPE: You must join my brothers in the dark trolley.

BELT: No, I'll just hit your hands away with this picture of a burnt wasp.

V-SHAPE: Urrn. You're quite good at this: fighting.

BELT: I will stop you now. I will throw your clothes up into a large nest. The birds will peck your little body!

V-SHAPE: Okay, okay – I've stopped.

(V-Shape kicks open a brown suitcase and a crowd of dwarves suddenly run at Belt, laughing and swearing. Shivering slightly, they hug his legs.)

BELT: This is wonderful – they're all alive after all!

BENTINE 76: No. Two of us are beings other than dwarves.

BELT: I don’t know what they are.

(Two of the dwarves break their cloaks off and are revealed as Queen Trabscoff and Prince Auto. Belt is amazed.)

BELT: I don't know what's going on.

QUEEN: We were doing a test and you just failed.

AUTO: Yeah, we wanted to see if you were any good at sussing stuff out.

BELT: What happens now?

QUEEN: Now that we know you can't suss stuff out properly I'm gonna offer you a job as my new mirror!

BELT: What happened to your old one?

AUTO: I got drunk and thought it was a burglar coming at me, so I threw it down the stairs, Belty.

BELT: Most excellent, dudes!

QUEEN: Come on – it's time for Christmas. Let's sing a song…

Christmas girls and Christmas wives,

Shoving presents under childrens' eyes.

Christmas boys and Christmas men,

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!


Counting up the Christmas fun,

End at 10 – begin at 1.

Christmas is a time for counting,

1, 2, 3, 4, - up to 15!

When you count you can have a laugh,

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

More pant-ohs to read with your eyes: here






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