The Digitiser Christmas Pant-oh

1999 - Snow Brown & The Seven Sporks

INT. THE HOME OF LARA CROFT

LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: Gor bloimee, it's Chrissy-mess Eventide, and Miss Lara Croft ain't bought no presents for her family, gor bloimee. Oi say, Miss Lara, what is you going to get your family for Chrissy-mess?

LARA CROFT: Hmmm.

LARA CROFT'S BUTLER: Does yooo want oi to get their prezzy-ents this year?

LARA CROFT: No.


EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

SALESMAN: I am a sinister salesman looking to flog my wares to passers-by. Here comes a likely-looking "customer" now... hello, miss. Would you like to buy some sporks - they're a cheap plastic fork/spoon combination, often found in roadside cafes.

LARA CROFT: No.

SALESMAN: Oh go on - they're magic.

LARA CROFT: Hmm.


INT. THE HOME OF LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW

LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW: Hooray - it's Christmas morning and time to open my presents from my Aunt Lara. What have you got for me this year, Auntie?

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW: I'm unwrapping the presents now... still unwrapping... just finishing the unwrapping, and... sporks? You bought me sporks?!?

LARA CROFT: Hmm.


EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

LARA'S NEPHEW: Hurry up, Aunt Lara, or we'll never find me a decent Christmas present. Buying me seven sporks indeed... who do you think I am? Oh no - look out! A fox! Shoot it Auntie!

FOX: Aiee! I've been shot by Lara Croft, and now I've died.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Well done, Auntie. That fox won't trouble us again. Now shoot some more animals. Look - there's a deer - a doe, a female deer - with murder in it's eyes! Shoot it!


INT. THE HOME OF LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW

LARA'S NEPHEW: Phew! That was a lot of hard work watching you shoot all those animals with your twin pistols, Auntie Lara. Did you enjoy yourself?

LARA CROFT: No.

LARA'S NEPHEW: In all the excitement, we forgot to get me another Christmas present. All I'm left with are these stupid sporks... but wait - something's happening to the sporks. They're growing - growing into mug trees... oh, this is the best Christmas ever!


EXT. CHURCH HALL

LARA'S NEPHEW: Thanks for agreeing to come with me to this Christmas concert, Aunt Lara. Now I can show everyone my seven excellent mug trees!

LARA CROFT: No.

LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW: Look, everyone - look at my mug trees. They grew magically from seven enchanted sporks.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Keep it quiet, lad - some of us are trying to listen to Cliff Richard perform Wired For Sound.


EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

LARA'S NEPHEW: I really enjoyed that Christmas concert, Aunt Lara, and everyone seemed impressed with my presents. Now we can go home and decorate my magic mug trees with mugs.

LARA CROFT: Hmm.

LARA'S NEPHEW: This has certainly been a most exciting Christmas. In fact, I can safely say it's been the best one ever! Merry Christmas, Auntie!

LARA CROFT: No.


INT. LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW'S HOUSE

LARA'S NEPHEW: Gosh - what rotten luck! It looks like we've had a burglary, and the burglar is still in the house. Look - there he is on the sofa.

BURGLAR: Grrr. I'm Snow Brown, and I'm looking for my magic sporks, which were stolen from me yesterday by a sinister salesman called Dave.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Snow Brown? Why are you called Snow Brown? Oh, wait - now I understand. Urrgh!


INT. LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW'S HOUSE

SNOW BROWN: If you've finished making fun of my name, I'd like my magic sporks back - I tracked them to this address using my mutant abilities.

LARA'S NEPHEW: We'd like to give them to you, Snow Brown, but unfortunately they evolved into mug trees.

SNOW BROWN: I'm not really too bothered about that.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Well, I suppose I ought to let you have them then.


INT. LARA CROFT'S NEPHEW'S HOUSE

LARA'S NEPHEW: Though I feel like I've done my civic duty by giving Snow Brown his sporks-cum-mug trees, I now have no Christmas presents to play with.

BURGLAR: I'm sorry I had to take them off you son, but they're very dangerous, and not for the likes of you. Today they may look like mug trees, but tomorrow they could turn into, I dunno, a squid, or something. Here: have this half-eaten pork pie.

LARA'S NEPHEW: Hooray for Snow Brown!


More pant-ohs to read with your eyes: here

1995 - DAVID BELT AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

1997 - BABES IN THE WOOD

2000 - THE WIZARD OF OZ: PART 2

Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.

Pant-oh Index | Home